Y'all. I need everybody to sit down for this one.

There is a lesbian bar in Greenfield, Massachusetts called the Last Ditch that has had a KN95 mandate since COVID. Not a suggestion. MANDATORY. You keep the respirator on unless you are "actively taking a bite or a sip." You lift it, you sip, you put it back. For four years. At a BAR.

And the bar is going broke (shocker, their rules also say nobody gets turned away for not having money, which is a beautiful idea and also how you end up paying the electric bill in hugs). So they said ok, SATURDAYS only, mask optional. One night a week. To survive.

And the regulars LOST THEY FUCKING MINDS. Boycott. "Eugenicist." "Mass disabling event." One person wrote, and I'm quoting this word for word, "I hope your venue gets firebombed." For health reasons. You gon protect my lungs by setting the building on fire. Ok.

But the best one. THE best one. Somebody asked:

"Does COVID not disable people on Saturday nights?"

And I'm gonna be real with y'all: I think they found out something. I think COVID works Tuesday through Friday like everybody else and Saturday it's OFF. It's at the bar. It got its shades on. It's not even wearing a mask. It's off the clock, leave it alone. Statistically 80% of all viruses take the weekend. I don't make the rules. Look it up.

So Greenfield got a Purge now. Saturday 4pm to 1am. The crime is having a mouth.

Now let me say this as a BIDEN MAN. I got four boosters. I got a Fauci candle. I wore a mask to the laundromat in 2021 so long Darnell thought my name was "the guy in the mask." Darnell said "you still wearing that?" in like July 2022 and I said "variants, Darnell" and he said "hm." I respected it then and I respect it now. And even I'm lookin at this like HAVE Y'ALL LOST IT.

Because think about the SEX in that bar. They got a consent rule too. Anything that ain't "yes" or "HELL yes" is a no. Fine. Respect. But you ask a woman "can I kiss you" through a KN95 and she say "HMMF MMF" back. Was that a hell yes? A hell no? A cough? That's a court case. And then you go in anyway and it's two respirators pumpin at each other like two Shop-Vacs fuckin. FWOOMP. SHHHK. That's not a makeout, that's a HVAC problem.

And the full-PPE lesbian. Dental dam on the bottom, KN95 on top. That is the most protected pussy in New England. You go down there in a respirator that ain't eating, that's SCUBA. She gotta hand signal you when she's close like a dive instructor.

I had my engineering department (me, 2am, radiator going) draw up the official procedure:
(Alt text, because they got cooked for not having it: Two stick-figure women, completely naked except for KN95 respirators, facing each other in a bar. One asks "may I kiss you." The other says "HMMF MMF," which could be anything. They lean in and their masks inflate and deflate against each other making FWOOMP and SHHHK sounds until they vacuum-seal together. In the corner, COVID sits at the bar in sunglasses sipping a beer through a straw, maskless, because it is Saturday. Her titties are pink. The bush is regulation.)

Also, the one co-owner quit to go to CLOWN SCHOOL. Months ago. Got out before the shit hit. Only person in the building who read the room correctly, and they did it by leaving for a place where the whole curriculum is honking at people. Legend.

Meanwhile somebody in the comments threatened to firebomb a bar in Massachusetts like that's a thing they know how to do. Baby. BABY. Detroit used to do eight hundred fires in ONE Devil's Night weekend. We had arson as a SEASON. Y'all couldn't firebomb a Hot Pocket. Don't come in here with amateur hour. (Detroit is still the greatest city on earth, we just used to be on fire a lot. Both things.)

https://www.foxnews.com/us/massachusett ... ght-a-week

This is either great comedy material or a sign that everything is collapsing. Either way, workshopping it.

Any hot dogs in that ditch?

Would a "pregnant person" be allowed in there?

Smucky wrote: Wed Sep 23, 2026 7:33 pm Any hot dogs in that ditch?

Smucky the hot dog gotta wear a mask TOO. Everything in that building is masked. You know what a masked hot dog is? That's a CONDOM, Smucky. You just invented the condom. The Last Ditch been running PPE top to bottom since 2020, face AND wiener, it's the most sealed-up building in Massachusetts. Airtight. You could store rice in there.

And I'm gonna say this as a Detroit man: if there IS a hot dog in that ditch it better be a Coney. Chili, mustard, onions. No beans. I don't care whose ditch it is, the rules are the rules.

Williamson wrote: Wed Sep 23, 2026 7:54 pm Would a "pregnant person" be allowed in there?

Allowed? Yeah. Nobody gets turned away. But she gotta keep that KN95 on through LABOR. Breathing for two through one respirator. Hee hee HMMF. Hee hee HMMF. And the consent rule still in effect, so the nurse gotta ask "can I check your cervix" and she say "HMMF MMF" and that's legally a no, so that baby is STILL IN THERE. Kid gon come out at 34 with a mustache like "y'all done arguing?"

And don't even try to bring a therapist in the delivery room. At their community meeting people said the therapist made them feel UNSAFE because she's a MANDATED REPORTER. Read that again. A mandated reporter. The only people I know scared of a mandated reporter is people doing something that needs reporting. What the FUCK is going on in that bar on a Tuesday.

Also speaking of the consent rule, I been thinking about it all day and I realized I have never once in my life got a "hell yes." Not one. My personal best is "I mean... sure." One time a girl said "ok but hurry up" and I wrote it in the notebook as a win. By Last Ditch law, every sexual experience I ever had was a "hell no." I am a registered nothing.

Marcus read the thread btw and went straight to the whiteboard. Under "ShurpaTan Empire" he wrote NOBODY BARRED FOR LACK OF FUNDS and circled it three times. I said Marcus that's what put them out of business. He said "we been doing that for two years, nobody ever pays to see you anyway, we just never had a NAME for it." Then he erased Phase 1 and wrote "PHASE 1: MASK OPTIONAL SATURDAYS." We don't even have a Saturday. We don't have a venue. We have his kitchen.

Update. Two developments.

ONE. I went upstairs to tell Gerald about this thread (he was up, obviously, the dresser was moving) and he opened the door in a KN95. Gerald has been in a KN95 since March of 2020. I have NEVER seen the bottom half of Gerald's face. Five years. I assumed it was medical. So I asked him straight up, "Gerald, you immunocompromised?" and he said "no." And shut the door. Then the dresser moved again.

So it's not medical. It was never medical. Whatever Gerald is doing up there, he doesn't want it on his breath. I thought about that all through dinner. I would like to go back to not knowing.

TWO. I had a realization about Joe Biden. I love the man. You know I love the man. But I think Joe would be the first person banned from the Last Ditch and it wouldn't even be the mask rule. He'd walk in, sit next to a woman at the bar, and lean in to smell her hair THROUGH the KN95. You'd hear it across the room. SSSSHHHHNNNFFF. The mask would suck flat against his face. No verbal consent. Not a yes, not a hell yes, not even a HMMF. Removed from the premises. Accountability process.

And I'd still vote for him. Infrastructure bill. Look it up.