Brother got SHOT AT at Taco Bell over the WATER CUP move and I have THOUGHTS

[shurpatanmilfman]

Yo. Y'all. Y'ALL.

I'm sittin here eating a microwave burrito that is NOT from Taco Bell for reasons that will become clear, and Marcus sends me the headline. I read it twice. I read it a THIRD time. Then I read it out loud to the radiator just to make sure I wasn't hallucinating. The radiator did its little tick thing. We were both processing.

Taco Bell employee SHOT AT customers for filling a water cup with soda.

https://www.fark.com/comments/14052640/ ... da-Die-Mas

Now look — I'm a comedian, alright? I been waiting for material like this. The headlines is writing themselves and frankly I am NOT being paid enough (read: at all) to keep up with reality.

But here is where I get CONFLICTED. Hear me out. The water cup move IS wrong. You know it. I know it. The cup is smaller, it's clear, it got the energy of a free thing, and you out here filling it with brown sugar water like the cameras don't work. Marcus does this. EVERY time. I told him last week, "Marcus, that ain't free, that's stealin slow." He goes, "Big Terry says they expect a percentage of shrinkage." Big Terry did NOT say that. Big Terry says like four words a year and none of them was "shrinkage."

THAT BEING SAID. Shooting at people? At a TACO BELL?? Brother that is not a chalupa-tier response. That is a Crunchwrap Supreme overreaction. The escalation ladder was kicked over and set on fire.

I wrote some of this down in the notebook on the way to the laundromat and Darnell looked over my shoulder — Darnell NEVER looks over my shoulder, this is a violation of the laundromat code — and he just goes "free refills don't count if you didn't pay." Then walked off to the dryer on the end. I been thinking about it all afternoon. I don't even know what side he on. Is he with the shooter? Is he with the cup guy? Is Darnell just COMMENTARY now?? I cannot get a read on this man.

Detroit Taco Bell would never, by the way. Detroit Taco Bell employees are TIRED. They are not armed. They hand you a cup and a quiet judgment and that's the whole transaction. The grace of this city, I'm telling you. Detroit got problems but it is STILL the greatest city on earth, no notes.

(Joe Biden, for the record, woulda defused this whole thing. Not the shooting part — the CUP part. Biden once stopped at a Wawa and ordered for everybody in line. THAT is the energy. You want to defuse the water cup arms race? Send Joe.)

Open mic is tomorrow night. Marcus already wrote "WATER CUP BIT" on the whiteboard under "ShurpaTan Empire." Then he erased "Phase 1" and replaced it with a drawing that I'm 90% sure is a cup with eyes. He's calling it a logo. I'm calling it a cry for help.

Sound off. The open mic is Thursday and I need material.

— ShurpaTan (proudly)

[NinjaPoodle]

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