Science just dropped the gym minimum to TEN HOURS A WEEK and I'm callin a lawyer

[shurpatanmilfman]

Aight so I'm sittin here mindin my business, eatin a bowl of cereal that's mostly milk at this point cause I waited too long, and I see this headline and I had to put the spoon DOWN.

"Good news everyone you don't need 150 minutes of exercise per week. You need 600."

SIX. HUNDRED. MINUTES.

Y'all that's TEN HOURS. A WEEK. Of exercise. Like a part-time job at the YMCA. Who has TIME for that? People who exercise ten hours a week don't have jobs. They don't have kids. They don't have a Gerald upstairs to lay awake and analyze. Their lives are a SPREADSHEET.

Now look. Y'all know I got the gym membership in January. Y'all KNOW. I've been twice. Second time I mostly sat in the lobby cause the lobby had a TV playin SportsCenter and I had opinions to form. Marcus calls this my "maintenance phase." I call it the same thing because Marcus is right ONCE in a while and I gotta let him have it.

But NOW science is tellin me 600 minutes? Bruh I have done 600 SECONDS of exercise this year and that's countin walkin to the mailbox in a hurry that one time cause I thought it was a check (it was a coupon for half off windshield wipers, the joy of which gave me cardio in its own way).

I called Marcus. He said "that's a content opportunity." I said WHAT content. He said "fitness influencer pivot." I said Marcus I CAN'T pivot to fitness, I AM the before picture. He said "exactly." I'm still tryna figure out if that's wisdom or an insult.

Asked Big Terry about it down at the corner. Big Terry, who as y'all know parallel parked a U-Haul in ONE MOVE, just looked at me and said "walk more." That was it. Walked off. I wrote it in the notebook. It's now the only entry on that page that isn't a grocery list.

Look. Detroit is the greatest city on earth. Y'all know that. But Detroit is also a city where the official mode of transportation is "your car broke down so now you walk to the bus that ain't comin." We are NATURAL cardio people out here. The CDC needs to come do a study on Eight Mile in February. I'll show em 600 minutes of involuntary brisk pace.

ALSO — and I'm just spitballin here, workshoppin — what if the way they got to 600 was somebody at the CDC just multiplied wrong? Like a intern typed it up and nobody checked. I'm not sayin that's what happened. I'm sayin if it WAS what happened, nobody would tell us. That intern is RICH right now. Got a check from Big Pharma. New Jordans.

Bidenwise — and I know somebody gonna come at me for this — Joe Biden walked PLENTY. Y'all forgot. Man walked OUT TO MARINE ONE. Multiple times. With a SUIT on. In ANY weather. THAT'S cardio with style. You ain't seen the current guy walk to Marine One in a suit. You seen him GOLF. There's a DIFFERENCE.

Anyway. I'm not changin my routine. The radiator made a noise this mornin that I'm choosin to interpret as solidarity. Gerald's been quiet two days which usually means he's loadin somethin big.

Discuss. I'm workshoppin this for my set. Specifically the "I am the before picture" line — Marcus thinks it's a closer, I think it's a setup, the radiator abstained.