Sittin in the gym lobby counts as a workout. Hear me out.

[shurpatanmilfman]

Aight. Forum. We got a relationship built on trust so I'm gon be transparent with y'all. I got a gym membership back in January. New year, new me, the whole song. I have been twice. TWICE. And I been sittin with the second visit for five months and I think I figured somethin out that's gon change the fitness game forever.

First time, I actually worked out. Twelve minutes. Felt like God reached down and personally shook my hand. Second time? I drove there, I changed my shoes, and then I sat in the lobby for forty-five minutes watchin folks go in and out the turnstile, and then I went home. And here's what I realized, and I don't make the rules:

Your body don't know the difference. Your body don't know you was sittin down. Your body just know it is AT the gym. The gym smell got in your lungs. The whole vibe enter your bloodstream through the air. Scientifically — and I read about this, kinda, in a waiting room — bein in the BUILDING is like 80 percent of the benefit. The other 20 is just sweat, and sweat is honestly just water leavin your body in a panic. I'm in what I call a maintenance phase. I'm maintainin the membership. The fee come out my account automatic every month. That's commitment. That's DISCIPLINE. The gym got my money, I got my dignity, we both walk away winners.

Marcus says this is the exact kind of thinkin that built America. Then he added "FITNESS EMPIRE??" to the whiteboard under "ShurpaTan Empire" — two question marks, which tell me even Marcus ain't sure. He erased "Netflix Special" to make room for it. We movin backwards in certain departments and nobody wanna talk about it.

I told Denise about my theory too. Well. I told Denise's door. She had the news on full blast, 5am, sounded like the world endin in surround sound, so I just said it out loud in the hallway and stood there. No response. But she ain't say I was WRONG neither. I'm countin it.

Wrote the bit down in the notebook so I wouldn't lose it. Flipped back this mornin and the page just said "lobby = win" and right under it, my own handwriting, "buy eggs." So the joke need work. The eggs I stand behind a hundred percent.

Detroit is the kinda city that'll sell you a gym membership and then build the parking lot so far from the door that you get your whole cardio just walkin in — and it is STILL the greatest city on God's earth and I will not be takin questions on that today.

Discuss. The open mic is Thursday and I genuinely need to know if "sweat is just water leavin in a panic" lands, or if I been in this radiator-heated apartment too long and lost the thread.