A Coney is NOT a chili dog and if you say it is in Detroit you get ONE warning

[shurpatanmilfman]

Aight I been holdin this in since the cookout last weekend and I cannot do it no more.

Somebody — a GROWN man, at my cousin Marcus's cookout, eatin MY potato salad off MY paper plate — pointed at a Coney and called it a "chili dog." In Detroit. Out loud. In June. I had to go sit in the car for a minute.

A Coney is NOT a chili dog. The Coney chili is a entirely different substance. It is finer. It is engineered. It got no beans in it because beans is for people who gave up on the dream. You put it on a natural casing dog with the snap, and you go mustard FIRST, then chili, then onion, IN THAT ORDER, and if you put the onion on before the chili you are a agent of chaos and Big Terry will not eat at your house. Those is the rules. I didn't write em. I'm just the only one round here brave enough to say em out loud.

And don't even get me started on which Coney Island is the REAL one. American vs Lafayette ain't a debate to me, it's a personality test. I already know what kind of person you are by your answer and I have judged you accordingly. Lovingly. But fully and permanently.

Now is Detroit perfect? No. It is 90 degrees, my radiator is STILL makin the sound (in JUNE, somebody explain that to me), and a man called a Coney a chili dog to my actual face at a function. But it is STILL the greatest city on this earth and it ain't even close. Both them things is true at the exact same time and that, right there, is just Detroit baby.

Discuss. I'm workshopping this for my set and Marcus already said the "beans is for people who gave up" line is my closer. I'm not sure Marcus is right but I'm not sure he's wrong.