Man got attacked by a bear comin out the LAUNDRY ROOM

[shurpatanmilfman]

A man in Colorado got attacked by a bear comin OUT THE LAUNDRY ROOM and I need everybody to sit with that for a second.

Eagle-Vail. Bout a hundred miles west of Denver. Man doin what a man do. He got his basket. He got his warm stuff. And listen — that walk back to the unit when the clothes still hot and you kinda huggin the basket a little? That is the most peaceful three minutes available to a human being in an apartment building. That is CHURCH. That is the ONE good part of the whole operation. And a bear was standin outside the door.

Bear attacks man at Colorado apartment complex

Now the headline say the bear scratched his arm. Fine. But read the whole thing, cause the report say the bear got the arm and then HE TRIPPED AND HURT HIS FOOT tryin to get away. So the bear got one. The GROUND got one. Man went 0 for 2 in a hallway. Bear didn't even have to try that hard, the floor tagged in.

And then here's the detail I cannot let go of. He got took to the hospital BY A FAMILY MEMBER. Not a ambulance. Somebody cousin got a phone call. "Bear." "What?" "BEAR. Come get me." And that man drove over, and I promise you — I PROMISE YOU — that laundry was in the car. You think he left it? In the hallway? With that bear? Sir those are his good towels. Them towels been through things.

So then it come out the bear is a MAMA with cubs been goin through the dumpsters, cause it's a drought and there ain't no food out there. And the wildlife people explain that this time of year bears go into somethin called hyperphagia where they eatin TWENTY THOUSAND CALORIES A DAY gettin ready for winter.

Twenty thousand.

I got a gym membership in January. I have been twice. Second time I mostly sat in the lobby, which I still count, because I went. I am in what I would describe as a maintenance phase. Meanwhile this bear is out here puttin up 20k a day, two kids, no membership, no spotter, no keychain tag, and she workin through a DROUGHT. I'm not sayin the bear better than me. I'm sayin the bear got a program and I got a lobby.

And then — THEN — they set a bear trap out in the neighborhood and she never came back to it. Not cause of the trap. Cause there was a BIGGER bear in the area and she stayed away from the whole block. So the situation got resolved by a completely different problem showin up. That is the most Detroit thing that has ever happened in Colorado and I want them to know we invented that.

Here's where I'm at though, and I've thought about this a lot: bears is not comin for YOU. Bears is comin for the DRYER SHEET. A bear cannot smell a man. A bear can smell "Spring Meadow." You walk outside in the middle of a drought smellin like a meadow — that's false advertisin. That bear pulled up on a menu. If you use the unscented you are functionally invisible to wildlife. This is documented. I don't make the rules.

Brought this to Darnell at the laundromat and he did not look up. He said "that's why I don't use the scented." Then bout four minutes later, unprompted, he said "the machines don't care what you want." Now was he talkin about the dryers, or was he talkin about the bear, or was he talkin about somethin bigger. Darnell won't tell you. Darnell never tells you. I wrote it down.

And look — Detroit don't got bears. I'll give Colorado that one. What Detroit got is a raccoon behind the Family Dollar on the corner who knows me, knows my schedule, and has made peace with me in a way I did not agree to. That raccoon has never scratched nobody. He just watches. He has a whole administration back there. And I would take him over a bear every single day, cause at least me and him got an understanding. Still the greatest city on earth, I don't wanna hear it.

Also Joe Biden could've talked that bear down. I'm not sayin he would've. I'm sayin the energy was there. You felt it or you didn't.

Discuss. If this doesn't become a bit I don't know what I'm doing with my life.