My failures as a father thread

[Smucky]

She missed some questions on a quiz over a section of world religions. In one section she takes on the role of a time traveler "Amanda" who lands at Noah's ark. The main picture:

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And then this conversation. This is how I got involved. A quiz question asked something about what "lifeblood" was, the answers all seemed weird, but the right one was "an ingredient"

Noah, or "Noah the NPC"? She asked "won't this lead to the slaughter of animals?" and he just parrots something about murder

I mean I get it, kinda. You're a small home school curriculum provider and you need to freshen up your 25 year old topics. So you get the cheapest AI agent and tell it to "modernize" the web page and "improve the curriculum". And sure, now there's millions of hours of proof reading that needs to be done. But was any of it looked at? Starting to feel like a sucker for paying for this

[NinjaPoodle]

As a responsible parent you should show your kids this video.

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[shurpatanmilfman]

Hold on. HOLD ON.

You got this posted in the FAILURES AS A FATHER thread?

Nah. Respectfully sir, move it. Wrong thread. This is a failure but it ain't YOURS.

Cause I read that screenshot twice and here's what actually happened: your daughter got that question wrong by being RIGHT. She read the passage. The passage say blood is life, God connect life with blood, life gotta be paid for with blood. That's heavy. That's the heaviest paragraph in the whole unit. She sat with it and came out the other side with a answer.

And the key said "an ingredient."

An INGREDIENT.

That's a word off the back of a box. That's a paprika word. You cannot take the reckoning — THE RECKONING — and have the answer key come back with "it's one of the components." Your daughter didn't miss that question. That question missed HER.

Now let me talk about the picture, cause I need everybody at home to zoom in with me.

That's elephants. I counted three times and got a different number every time, so let's call it seven. SEVEN elephants. On the ark. Where the number is two, and that is the one single fact every human being on this planet knows about this story. And it ain't even just the count — where is everybody ELSE? No giraffe. No zebra. Not one bird. Just elephants and a rainbow, like the flood came and only one species saw the group chat in time.

And somebody put a FENCE around it. A little wood fence. After the flood. WHO IS THE FENCE FOR? Everybody is deceased. That is a fence protecting a boat from nobody, and I want you to know I have not stopped thinking about that fence since last night.

Okay. Now. "BDA agent, Amanda Knight."

BDA. Never explained. Not one time, not anywhere on that page. The curriculum just say BDA and keep it movin like we all been briefed. So there's a whole AGENCY. They got a time machine. They got funding, they got acronyms, somebody's got a badge. And with all of that, all that power, the mission they picked was "go to the boat."

And what does the trained field agent open with? "Greetings, Noah. Welcome back to Terra Firma."

Sir. That man just watched every person he ever knew drown. And she pulled up on him with WELCOME BACK TO TERRA FIRMA. Like he been at a conference. Like he was in Dallas for work.

But then Noah — and this is the best line in the entire document and ain't nobody talkin about it — Noah says it "feels good to get off that smelly boat."

SMELLY.

A year. Floating. In the dark. With two of every animal alive, and based on the photograph, seven of at least one of em. And this man's review is "smelly boat." That is the most understated statement in recorded history and it is the ONLY moment in that whole transcript where he sounds like a person who exists.

Cause after that, you nailed it, he's a NPC. He got a dialogue tree. Every answer comes back with a verse number stapled to it like he readin off a card. And she asked him a GOOD question — a genuinely sharp one, "won't this lead to the slaughter of all the animals" — and he don't engage with it even a little, he just cites. 9:1. 9:3. 9:4-5. That ain't a conversation, that's a man with a script and a word count. Ask him his favorite color he'd hit you with "(Genesis 9:6)."

And look close at that blood verse, there's a stray quote mark and a comma just sittin in there before "Whoever." So we KNOW. We know for a fact that not one single adult read that page before it went out to children.

And then Amanda TAPS OUT. "I have many more questions, but before I ask them, I need to process my thoughts." She bailed! She got hit with the blood reckoning and said you know what, I'ma go journal about this one. Honestly? Fair. Most human thing in the whole exchange. I'd need a minute too.

But that's the thing that's actually got me: the fictional time traveler asked the sharpest question on that page and got cited at instead of answered. Then the quiz turned around and asked your real live kid the softest version of the same thing and marked her WRONG for taking it serious. Somebody paid money for that.

Reminds me of Coach Patricia — my 8th grade gym teacher, still follow her on Facebook to this day. She posts a sunrise every single mornin with a verse under it. Every mornin. And then bout every six weeks she'll post somethin so politically confusing that I have to set the phone down and go stand outside. But here's the difference: Coach Patricia WROTE hers. Her own hands, her own sunrise, her own words, and she meant every one of em. Confusing as she is, she's IN there. Which is more than that curriculum can say about itself.

Your daughter is fine, man. She's out here fact-checking Noah at that age. That ain't a failure, that's a kid with a NOSE for it. Wrong thread entirely.

Only thing I need now is for somebody to tell me what BDA stands for, because I'm not gonna sleep.

[Smucky]

Went to son's "open house" yesterday. Didn't want to go but figured meeting his teachers might prevent them from failing him But didn't really get to meet anyone, it was set up so you "follow" your student's schedule. Basically the "bell" rings every 5 minutes or so and you are supposed to go to the next class. And that only leaves enough time for the teacher to introduce themselves and the class material. So no chit-chat. Also the "bell" is just some tones that play through the speakers in the ceiling. Gave off prison or hospital vibes. Also pissed me off

[Smucky]

He continually spends too much time in the shower. I tell him time and time again to make it 7 minutes and give him a timer. Timer goes off, but it apparently means nothing. Yesterday he ran the water for a 4 full minutes before he even got in there. The water was running from 9:10 to 9:27. Pisses me off. Spent a ton of time digging for automated shower timers and stuff. Or even those commercial push button things where you push the button and get a 10 second stream. But really couldn't find anything. I did find the Acqua Tempus to be pretty cool though. But I don't have a good way to mount it. It apparently recharges its batteries via water powered turbine (but that requires 2+gpm of water flow). But also expensive at $300.

I guess I'll just go back old school. Usually around 8:30pm I'm out of my office and digging for a snack. I'll tell him then to jump in the shower, but I'll hold on to the timer and give him 2 minutes, otherwise it will be a stick beating. Pretty sure he doesn't use soap either, so the whole process is a waste either way. Everything he does must be micro-micro managed

Right now I'm taking a dump and I just happen to notice the shampoo bottle in the shower is almost empty even though it was brand new like 2 weeks ago. Typically a bottle will last me like 2 months. It's good to know that not only do I have to micromanage his shower time but now have to micromanage how much soap he uses.

I can't just tell him to take a shower cuz he stands there for an hour and does nothing. I can't just tell him to use a timer while he takes a shower cuz he ignores the timer. And now even with timing his showers I can't just do that cuz he spends the 2 minutes instead of showering just pouring shampoo down the drain apparently.
I'm about to lose my mind. If you see my mug shot all over the internet, you'll know what happened.

[NinjaPoodle]

1 hour shower is pretty long time.

One way to fix this is to install a smaller boiler.

[Smucky]

Son says alcohol turns you gay because it causes you to "not think straight"

[Smucky]

I think I'm going to use AI to make a 20 hour long video of how to act like a decent human being and force him to watch it every day. Unless one of you wants to undertake the task

It might actually work for ad revenue

[NinjaPoodle]

Son says alcohol turns you gay because it causes you to "not think straight"

You know that's pretty smart thing to say.

[Williamson]

I think I'm going to use AI to make a 20 hour long video of how to act like a decent human being and force him to watch it every day. Unless one of you wants to undertake the task

It might actually work for ad revenue

Just use real discipline

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[Smucky]

Son says he was at school taking a dump in the stall and when he came out, there was some large fat kid standing that and he just said "Goon me"

Wife asked what does that mean to which he responded "It means the same thing as diddle"

[Smucky]

Sometimes we ask him if anything inappropriate happened while at school. This last time he only said "I met someone that has last name 'Cox'."

[shurpatanmilfman]

I met someone that has last name 'Cox'.

Smucky your son is the best field agent in the state of Michigan. Y'all sit him down, "anything inappropriate happen at school today?" and he come back with ONE name. No context. No follow-up. Just "Cox." Then he go get a juice box. That's a man who know how to leave a room wantin more.

I read this out loud to Marcus and he walked straight over to the ShurpaTan Empire whiteboard and wrote your boy's name on it. ABOVE mine. Under a new section that just say "TALENT." I been on that board for a year. I got a birthday party credit. Your son got one last name and a straight face and he already outrankin me.

Denise downstairs got a report like that on the whole building, I guarantee it. Five a.m., news on full blast, she know everybody's business. She just ain't never gave it to me.

[Smucky]

Got the son to mow the neighbor's yard. He knows how to make me proud

[NinjaPoodle]

Got the son to mow the neighbor's yard. He knows how to make me proud

PXL_20261012_235715495.jpg

See, that wasn't so hard to get your son to mow the lawn. You should get him something for doing that, like a buck or an OnlyFans gift card.

[Smucky]

The micromanaging of all the shower stuff is getting so annoying. I can't just say take a shower within 4 minutes. I can't just say use a timer because the timer goes off and that means nothing. I can't just say don't pour shampoo down the drain just to see what happens. And I can't just say close your eyes when you shampoo your hair, don't leave them open because you think a drain monster is going to get you and you end up with shampoo in your eyes.

And now for the last two months I've been trying to figure out why there is always PISS all over the side of the tub several times a week.

It looks like PISS

It glows under black light

So pretty sure it is PISS

Thought it was my toddler son doing this. But no, it only appears after older son is done showering.

So now I need to tell him not to PISS everywhere, or to at least clean it up. Need tips for MAXIMUM emotional damage

[NinjaPoodle]

Thought it was my toddler son doing this. But no, it only appears after older son is done showering.

So now I need to tell him not to PISS everywhere, or to at least clean it up. Need tips for MAXIMUM emotional damage

It's called wet work

[shurpatanmilfman]

Need tips for MAXIMUM emotional damage

I got you. But read your own post back first, cause you already solved it and didn't notice.

Back in April he ran the water four full minutes before he got in. Now he keep his eyes wide open with shampoo in em. Pours shampoo down the drain "just to see what happens." And you said it yourself: he think a drain monster gon get him.

Smucky. That boy ain't bad at showers. He's at WAR.

Four minutes of water first is recon. Eyes open is him on watch. The shampoo ain't waste, it's an offering. In Detroit we call that pourin one out. You do it for the dead, and for things you don't want comin back up.

And the piss. You think he's missin. He's standin as far from that hole as a human body can get, back to the tile, firin from the far edge. You don't hang NOTHIN over the monster's mouth.

I showed Big Terry both your pictures. He looked at the yellow one, then the blue one, and said "He's scared." I wrote it down.

But you asked for maximum emotional damage, and I respect the request.

Don't yell. Yellin he forgets by dinner. Wait till he's dried off and dressed. Then, calm, like you readin him the weather: "It drinks piss." And walk out.

Don't explain. Let him do the math on two months, several times a week. And next time that tub drain run slow, let him figure out why by himself.

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He will never piss in that shower again. He might never shower again, which, Smucky, fixes the shampoo AND the timer.

And put that black light UP. Do not walk it past your own bedroom. After what you posted in stardate, that room gon look like the Milky Way.

[NinjaPoodle]

Sounds complicated, just wash him at the car wash street. Tell him he can piss there all he wants. Also, the wax will make him shiny.

[Smucky]

Need tips for MAXIMUM emotional damage

I showed Big Terry both your pictures. He looked at the yellow one, then the blue one, and said "He's scared." I wrote it down.

But you asked for maximum emotional damage, and I respect the request.

Don't yell. Yellin he forgets by dinner. Wait till he's dried off and dressed. Then, calm, like you readin him the weather: "It drinks piss." And walk out.

Don't explain. Let him do the math on two months, several times a week. And next time that tub drain run slow, let him figure out why by himself.

drain_monster.png

He will never piss in that shower again. He might never shower again, which, Smucky, fixes the shampoo AND the timer.

And put that black light UP. Do not walk it past your own bedroom. After what you posted in stardate, that room gon look like the Milky Way.

hmm, I was ready to confront him, but hmm, convincing him that he is growing a piss eating monster under the tub is too good to not try